OK, so I've just watched this season's Torchwood five night special "Children of Earth".
I'm thinking that someone who is in my present state of mind probably shouldn't watch this.
Not to mention, twice.
Not to give out spoilers because you HAVE to see it, but the whole thing revolved around sacrificing children. Mostly, other people's children.
Unfortunately, I sat through it and thought about STBX's sister and her reaction to her brother's "indiscretions".
How she tried to tell me "At least this or that didn't happen..." when I talked to her.
I can only imagine what her reaction to that statement would have been had he molested her son. I can only imagine what her reaction would have been had she read the police statement that I read. Had she lived in my skin as I was forced to bear witness to what his sick and perverted self did.
But she just had to tell me that he REALLY DID love his kids. (Yeah, unfortunately, that kind of love is illegal in all 50 states.)
He USED his kids. Love has never entered into his personality.
That was the other part of Children of Earth that screwed me up. Using kids. Not sexually like STBX, but using kids for ones own selfish pleasure and stating "They don't feel anything. They aren't in any pain."
That's what pedophiles say. That's what co-dependant supporters of pedophiles say. They minimize it. They can't walk in someone else's shoes. They're willing to look the other way as long as it happens to someone else's children.
I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't live this. When my daughter doesn't live this.
It makes me think of a quote from the short story "The Ghost Writer" by Phillip Roth.
"I felt flayed. I felt as though the skin had been peeled away from half my body. Half my face had been peeled away, and everybody would stare in horror for the rest of my life. Or they would stare at the other half, at the half still intact; I could see them smiling, pretending that the flayed half wasn't there and talking to the half that was. And I could hear myself screaming at them, I could see myself thrusting my hideous side right up in their unmarred faces to make them properly horrified. 'I was pretty! I was whole! I was a sunny, lively little girl! Look, look at what they did to me!' But whatever side they looked at, I would always be screaming 'Look at the other! Why don't you look at the other!'...However they look at me, however they talk to me, however they try to comfort me, I will always be this half flayed thing. I will never be young, I will never be kind or at peace or in love, and I will hate them all my life.'"
Yeah. Other people's children are fair game. And we wouldn't want to make a big deal out this or anything...after all, he's really a good guy at heart.