Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Existentialism In Aisle 3

Ms. H's first day of school went well.

No loss of life or limb. No eyes were poked out by pointy sticks. And really, when you forget your lunch once, you have a tendency to remember it for awhile after that.

And frankly, no one will miss that scrawny freshman that was sacrificed to satiate your hunger. However, if you meet a chick named Buffy, I suggest you play it reeeeeeal cool. She wouldn't understand.

Next up? Leaving for our vacation on Saturday.

I am trying a little trick that my sister has started. Not sweating the small stuff. Actively working to be more "seat of the pants" instead of "I have 5000 lists and I am now on number 3.5."

Yeah, about that? I think I need to find a happy medium. Realizing two days before leaving last weekend that I didn't have a plan for the dogs wasn't a good thing. Realizing a couple days ago that there is no luggage in our house because everyone that no longer lives here has taken it, is not a good thing.

Having the boy carry a tiny floral suitcase from the 70's through the airport? Really not a good thing.

Thankfully, I have classy friends with luggage. (Not to piss off my friends just like me that would be tempted to check in two industrial sized contractor garbage bags full of clothes at the airport but lets face it, we have issues.) I know that she will be pleased that her luggage is going on vacation without her. Perhaps I will send a postcard, dictated from her luggage: "I have arrived in Flint, MI. Note to self, Michael Moore was right."

We're trying to get through these next few days without really buying a bunch of food before we leave which seems to necessitate me running to the store each day and getting the one spice or the one onion that I need that night because it would be STUPID to write a list and figure it out ahead of time!

This brings me around to standing in line at Mt Royal Fine Foods last night. I had a few things and it was not busy and there were other clerks that were just standing around waiting for customers.

So as I step down to the end of the belt and wait for my groceries to be bagged, the next customer in line walks down to where I'm standing and literally gets in the exact same space I am in. Not just invades my space mind you, she stands on my left foot and has her right side plastered to my left side.

I turned to look at her with my best WTF??? look and she is concentrating on her coupons and her groceries and I DO NOT EXIST.

It was the most surreal experience I've ever had in a grocery store (and there are many, we should talk sometime...). I think I reached my hand up to touch my face for a little confirmation that I was still a solid entity. Perhaps I had a major heart attack in the produce section and I was laying dead next to the watermelon bin only my spirit didn't realize it and proceeded to complete my shopping before heading off to that bright light in the sky.

But no, I still existed. She didn't even acknowledge when I pulled my foot out from beneath hers and the clerk gave her a WTF??? look.

I buy groceries, therefore I am.

I think...


Anonymous said...

Sounds like little has changed at MRSV.

I have found that popping out a "HEY!" at peak volume into their ear really works wonders. At times this will need to be accompanied by a spastic elbow sharply jabbing them in their ribs. For the really difficult zombies, throwing your weight against them before embracing them with both arms in a warm hug will really throw the spark of life back into their eyes.

I have decided that the method of treating differences by deeming the different ones invisible is a form of local culture learned through many years of religious training where one learns the fine art of sleeping with eyes wide open. After awhile this can lead to a brain death and loss of free thought.

Fortunately, for us & them, they still manage to retain control of their bowel & bladder.

Nutty Knitter said...

I went to the grocery store with my sister the other day and got rammed by a guy in a wheelchair. I really wanted to get mad at him (he laughed after doing it but it wasn't the nervous laugh, rather, the jerkey laugh).

I'm still thinking of possible comebacks for that one. I'll be sure to forward them to you as well. People find their jerk button in the grocery store I've found.

Anonymous said...

There is always the defense of going to the grocery store while retaining a little gas.

This seems to come naturally to most men and may have some bearing on why only younger couples shop hand-in-hand and the older the male, the more distance between him and his female partner.

Just a theory... :P

Anyway, being a bit "gassy" works well for those times when words fail. The trick is to act like nothing happened and leave the cloud behind. : )

And people in wheelchairs and motorized shopping carts will be sniffing the top notes of your sweet scent long after you've gone...