Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Herd Mentality

It's a good thing I'm not paranoid.

(The voices in my head have told me that paranoia is overrated.)

Living with two herding dogs can be a paranoia inducing experience. Especially when they see you as their alpha-mom (a.k.a shepherd, a.k.a ringleader, a.k.a bringer of food, water and ear scratches).

Gotta go to the bathroom? As any mother of any toddler will tell you, 'alone time' means being watched intently in the most personal moments of your day. You are a member of the herd. You will be corralled. You just might escape their grasp while ascending the stairs so it is imperative that they form a semi circle around you as your escort. They will shield you from the paparazzi.

Sitting comfortably? Good! Now your captors will form a semi circle around the toilet and sit politely, tilting their heads to one side, waiting for you to utter words of wisdom.


Yeah, I tried it. It didn't work.

What? Time to get dressed? Your posse will be sure to see that you find your way to the closet but no matter how many time you ask, their fashion advice is not forthcoming. (Which is why I look like I threw my clothes on with a pitch fork. If I had smart dogs, I would no doubt be a fashion model. Unfortunately, I'd probably get a gig on an Alpo label.)

Time for coffee? Why, just let them escort you to the coffeemaker! They have witnessed it a million times but it never fails to amaze them. When you turn back to face them, cup in hand, be sure to take a bow. Congratulations! You're addicted to caffeine!

This will definitely be the most appreciative audience you will ever have.

But there always will be a spoiled sport. There will always be that jerk out there that has to ruin it all.

And here he comes. A fat ball of gray fluff on four legs. He is the bum to your stone.

He marches up to one of your audience members and smacks him flush across the nose and then turns tail and is gone in a flash.

It takes about .05849 seconds for both dogs to look at you then look at each other and look back at you one last time.

And then they're off.

You are history.
It's been real but there are other other animals to be herded.
Other mammals that are far more interesting.

Until, that is, tomorrow morning.

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