Thursday, August 06, 2009

My Book Report- Conclusions

As I stated a few weeks ago, I'm still getting used to people who recognize me through the blog or the the newspaper article. I don't mean to be slow on the uptake, there was just that incident when I was a baby and I got dropped on my head.

So, to the several people at the grocery store over the past couple weeks and the waitress, and the gal at the Farmer's Market and the postal worker, thank you for sharing your stories with me. It's made me even more aware of the stories that we carry around under the surface of our skin. There are so many of us out there.

I've finished Out of the Shadows and I'm getting ready to pass it on to someone else. It pissed me off but I'm glad I read it.

There were reactions in the book from spouses that I totally identified with but there were also conclusions drawn that missed the mark, at least in my case.

I think, once again, it came down to a book that didn't match my situation. It really hammered home the idea of the co addict who assisted in the "addiction" by covering up for the spouse's issues. It also talked about spouses who are controlling because they feel so out of control.

Does the fact that 99% of all the chores and responsibilities in our marriage fell on my shoulders in turn make me controlling? Had I not done them, they would not have gotten done. Whenever I asked for help in doing something, STBX blew me off with sarcasm and turned back to his computer.

If this indeed means that I was controlling, can I ask what my options were? Or does controlling mean that a spouse tries to manipulate her "addict's" behavior by keeping him busy so he won't cruise the bars and pick up prostitutes?

The only control I had was over myself and I realized that long ago. STBX didn't want a wife, he wanted a mommy. Women who play that role for their husbands DRIVE ME AROUND THE BEND.

The book did mention how a common theme for "addicts" is that they want a woman who is nothing like their mother and then they spend years hating her because she isn't their mother.

I underlined that paragraph. Perhaps two or three times. That is the perfect description of the last 17 years of my life.

Before we got married, STBX told me "I'm so glad you're nothing like my mother."

Hindsight can be so funny. It makes me want to puke.

Where I disagreed with the book most heartily was when it was stated that a co addict is the same as the addict in that they feel they have no self worth and are unlovable.

Yeah, I'm not going there at all. I realized a long time ago that I did not deserve the shit that I was fed. It turned out to be many years of being isolated and manipulated and I became very angry. Unfortunately, after being rebuffed enough times when it came to talking about these things, I gave up. I began to mark my time and plan my escape.

Funnily enough, my revelations all happened after the abuse stopped. Not the brightest bulb, I will admit.

As I stated before, this book is for the "addict", not the survivors. Nowhere, and I mean NOWHERE in this book does it talk about families breaking up over this. Every scenario leads the spouse and children to therapy with the perp and they allllll live happily ever after.

Yeah. STBX was never able to take in information and actually apply it to a new situation. He could parrot those that he shared their beliefs but to actually digest a book and apply it to the reality of his situation, well, that would just lead to a court statement that was painted in rainbows and tethered to clouds.

There are about five sentences or so in this book that state the possibility of "legal action" for some things that "addicts" do. Perhaps this is to refrain from scaring perps away.

It is, however, not grounded in reality.

Not my reality at least.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can't read the article, could you please maybe copy it into your blog?
Tabatha (friend in Folsom)