What Kinda Mammal Do I Have To Sacrifice To Get Some Legal Assistance Here?

My lawyer's office is not the site of some horrifying meteor strike that decimated everyone inside yet mysteriously failed to make the evening news even though they are located next door to a newspaper.

Nor is everyone inside, sitting in their chairs, poised in front of their computers, their lack of flesh giving rise to rumors of an invasion of vashta nerada.

They are, in fact, still in business.

I did, in fact, just speak to the receptionist.

Is it possible to hear an anus tightening over the phone?

I asked her if I was being ridiculous...

She said no.

I asked her if I was being obnoxious...

She said no.

I asked her when I was going to get my damn letter written.

She said my case file was on the top of the pile on the lawyers desk. It should probably get done tomorrow.

Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh riiiiiiggghhhtttt.

I'm guessing that line gets used at least ten times a day.

Wanna know where I think my file is?

Let's play a guessing game boys and girls!

1. Propping up the short leg on someone's desk in her office.

2. In the bathroom, being used as "campfire toilet paper".

3. Plugging up that pesky mouse hole.

4. Lining the cupboard in the office kitchenette.

5. Wallpapering her office (throw a little antique finish on those police reports and they'll almost be "retro". Hell, they practically ARE retro).

I have called. I have written notes. I have hired airplanes to trail those banners over her office. If I don't get my letter in three business days, I'm buying me a goat and a sharp fucking knife.

And no drop cloth.

And I'm heading up the highway to make a very messy point.